THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY~

Its so near to perfect, but end up in such a despair..

This statement describe the incident that happens in my lab today..though its a no big deal case, but i am in such a despair and gloominess now..=((

This is what happens;

on a blue Monday,

the time slot i want to book in da lab on tuesday has been booked!
then how shall i do my MTT assay?

FYI: each MTT assay took three days to complete..day 1: seeding the cells, then incubate for 18 hours..day 2: treatment with desired compounds, then incubate for 24 hours..day 3: MTT salt addition

i AM SO CONFIDENT that this time it will be the most good looking result.based on the experience on the doing the previous MTTs, .i tried my very best to arrange the exactly 18 hours of incubation time for my beloved seeded cells, i am so confident that i am gonna get the timing damn accurate(perfect!) this time, EXACTLY 18 hours!, then on Monday, my desired time has been booked, nevermind.

On that time in the lab, i carried on my seeding,(my mind running on a treadmill, and my thoughts were planning non stop) and luck seems to be by my side at that time, i seeded later than the time i expected, so i manage to exchange time slots on the next day with 2 lab mates, and i've got my desired time!! to be able to treat after incubating exactly 18 hours!! Day 2, all's well ends well! I am very proud of myself for being able to arrange and negotiate well to get my desired time slot!! I am very thankfull to the 2 lab mates as well<3

then Day 3, which is today, everything goes very well too, the micropipettes seems to behave very well, and i sort of gain the golden key to using those pipetes in the most efficient way..I am very happy indeed, as i have mastered the skill (hehe) to avoid any medium remaining on the pipettes..ngek..>)....then my cells and the treatment compOund behave as well, the colours of the solution in each well is nice, and i have so much confident that its gonna come out BEAUTIFULLY...


then, after performing the last step which is to suspend the formazans with DMSO, its time to read the plate..everything is according to plan, and i feel as if i m walking on rainbow, plus this is my last MTT assay i need to do at the time being, i cant wait to say goodbye to it, plus its gonna end WELL!!!..

then just when i was about to read the plate using the microtiter plate reader(imma walking towards the reader thinking"this is gonna be a good one, hell yeah"), my inner voice asked to shake the plate using the shaker to mix well the solutions, and in order for more perfectness, i decided to use the shaker before i read it..(just for the purpose of perfectness)..

and then...my nightmare, happensT.T the shaker aint shaking , and just when i turned the mode to make it shake, it starts to shake vigorously!T.T and in the end, my babies!! all my babies in the well flew and spill everywhere like nobody's business...T.T (gosh, i am in the verge of tears now)..IN-THE-END, everything is ruined, it cant be read anymore as everything is mixed up and spilled..omg, my heart hurts like as if someone has cut a piece of myocardium away..

Hence, i threw everything away to the biohazard bag, kissing them goodbye, and wipe the spills away from the effin shaker with mixed feelings of defeat and failure;..i suddenly feel blank and numb, standing in a corner and thinking how great my day is gonna end up, if i didnt use the shaker, and i could have just read the plate, get the beautifully predicted result, and hence end my MTT pipeting and suspending torment, and also fills up the last perfect puzzle to my MTT data analysis..but everything comes to a halt in just less than five seconds or so i think..=(((

i stood there flabbergasted and kept thinking of the IFs, until Dr C saw me and said to me, "U feeling depressed because of what happened just now? " then , me replying"A bit"..actually its just not a bit , i just feel like banging myself to the wall or all drink up all the DMEM solutions that time, but i cant because i still love my head, and i couldnt afford to waste the precious DMEM solutions..

Hence, even though i am still brooding over my stillbirth results, well, i guess i have to repeat it again next week..i try to think it in every possible positive ways..such as, maybe God want it to happen so that i am able to produce a BETTER result next week, perhaps the best and better than what could be today's ! and since my cell viability on that time was 86% and Miss E says that its better if its at least 90%, this is another reason why God wants me to repeat the assay next week!! =)) and please, God bless me please, next week , please bless me so that the compounds RV and LPS are still enough for me to use, as for RV, i am gonna do 2n using Dr C's cell and 1n using my cells, while for LPS(hope that its enuf), i am gonna do 1n each using Dr C and my cells..YEAH!! maybe all this happens,because fate wants me to repeat with more n-sss so that i will produce better groups of result, and fuck yeah! i am so gonna take this opportunity, and being able plus having a reason to repeat MTT assay again to improve my Datasss!!


I will not give up and this time, i will make it better!! BETTER EACH TIME~

peace!

and oh well, i have thought of a name for my stilbirth result for today, though to u it might not be a big deal, but to me, after putting so much effort arranging the time, negotiating to get my desired time(u have no idea how many litres of brain juice i have squeezed to plan to get my desired time slot) and taming the micropipettes to behave well, and this is all in order to gain PERFECTNESS..i am so close to it, u know? SOOOO CLOSEEEEE.. everything, all the steps been fulfiiled perfectly, only to fail and collapse at reading the plate! READING-THE PLATE-CAN U IMAGINE IT? JUST PUTTING IT IN THE READER, AND USE COMPUTER TO READ IT, IT DOESNT REQUIRE ANY SPECIAL TECHNIQUES, not like pipetting, or preparing the calculated volumes of solution u using and yet it collapsed at the easiest final part, (llife is so HA-HA and i feel so F-ed up that time HA.HA.=.=~~~..its just as if u r so close to getting up on the train, but the train left just when u are just a few steps away..sighh~~

but nevermind, even if u missed the train, there is always a next train, perhaps a BETTER and more COMFORTABLE one,..as EVERYTHING TRULY HAPPENS FOR A REASON, FOR GOOD=)..

good, i shalt never give up, and i shall get 90% and above viability next time, continue taming the micropipettes as i have already mastered the skills (ngekk), and continue to strive for the best as usual..!

Peace>.^..

oh i name it, The One That Got Away~~~

lol

~

freeD

We fight, we break up,
We kiss, we made up.

Well, i really hope its as easy as that..

BUT I am happy to say that everything is finally OVER..

and my heart has finally gained freedom :)

Thank u God !^^

Some people, just by the thought of them, is such a pain in the ass , not only the ass, but pain through the anus to rectum, to colon, and shoots up via the stomach, esophagus till the heart.

Yes, i have a few whom even by writing this, i can feel my boiling level shooting up.

Well, to whom it may concern, u r lucky to piss me off, because i will not confront u nor will i piss u back, i will just suck it up, sit back, and enjoy ur karma punish u up. Everything that goes around comes around. I have always believe in karma, do you? =)

and to the other pain in the ass in concern, whatever u have done..have u any conscience?? or dont u ever feel guilty against ur rationality? What i envy you is not what u have gotten from what u have done, but i envy UR THICK FACE for being thick enough to perform such act, and for every plus point of pride u think u feel from what u get, i give u another plus point for a look-down-upon-u..sigh, wake up la bitch. Nothing is free in this world. nobody is jealous of u, bear in mind(if u have any) that there is a thin line between jealousy and shame-upon-u in ur case..


All-in-all

Peace ~ lalalla~

DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW YOU AMYGDALA

if u dont know whats amygdala, then just fuckin google it.

PEK PEK PEK

Gosh, what am i doing at this time.gosh, trying to ignore my inner voice that keeps on telling me that i have a looooot to read and my thesis to be polished now=((((( *inner voice ignored=) =/. i admit i just finished stalking ppl now HAHAHA....

nowadays, i always feel angry easily.i always form angry thoughts on ppl, succumbed in my own angry thoughts for few minutes(i din actually count the time) then forget all those thoughts and live ON..*life goes on*..only to repeat, repeat and repeat the cycle every effin day..

.and nowadays i suspect i have shown symptoms of diabetes mellitus=( :

complications of diabetes mellitus:

-kelaparan, yes i always felt hungry..i love to eat larrrrrrr babi!!!
-mudah marah, yes on certain ppl, i don undy them sometimes >=/ fucktards!!!
-sakit kepala, this few days=(
-keletihan, i love to sleep larrrr...
-kekeliruan, Dr C says i easily got confused, but what he doesnt know is that i actually feel intimidated by his superior intelligence=)

gosh, did i develop diabetes at such a young age??? did 22 considered still young? MUAHA MUAHA

but....stillll.....all the symptoms i had now seems to hit the jackpot!! =(( and mr whitie paper(they are my best companies throughout these four years) says that faktoe risiko termasuk sejarah keluarga..SEJARAH KELUARRRRRGA.

=(((

well, by the way, i am angry again now. and this is the first time, i will not occupy my thoughts in my mind,(poor mind, u must have been tired=()..i will blurt it all out, some la, not all..here!

is it so hard to reply ones message? I am rili UPSET with THOSE THAT COULDNT REPLY PPL'S MESSAGE esp when i really need u to~~, I DIN DEMAND U TO WRITE AN ESSAY BACK TO ME! I JUST NEED AN ANSWER , EVEN A YES OR NO, even a Y OR N WILL DO! is it that hard?well i hope its because u don have credit or u were away from phone( but i thought u cant live without ur phone.)
or u cant be that blurrrr to think that the message doesnt need to be replied.

u can do it with d special someone every ten minutes, but cant u even reply back to me even once in a day..i just need one simple reply!! is it that hard, this-is-not-the-first-time-=(

s-i-g-h, but no matter what, u are still one important person to me, i will just swallow the indignance and move on, like i always did~ yes, i always did without u realising it!=P

gosh, will i be able to wake up later for an-indian-food-gathering-birthday-celebration with da biomadss, i wish i din have to *pek-pek-pek and ffk ..LOL..i might as well suck it up and go to sleep now, but before that,

dear peeps, if u still have sufficient phone credits, and u did receive someone's message WHICH REQUIRE A REPLY, please lah reply them, as they are really waiting for ur reply even days after their message were sent..i do not specifically appoint this to anyone, this indignant paragraph of complain i just typed out is not specifically meant for anyone, but to EVERYONE..=.= siapa yang termakan cili terasa pedas, please do not get offended, but feel proud as i wrote this because i CARE FOR UR REPLY BECAUSE U R IMPORTANT TO ME.

*Replylah untuk kesejahteraan semua*

Peace>.^
p/s: i still love u, as always, FOREVER!

its 4.00 am d, and the pathetic me is still online.DEW.sememangnya mengundang kepandaan

A.A.A

well i just feel like shouting out loud now, i am however disappointed with myself..i feel that no matter wat i did, its just not enough..there is always a-hole-inside, or so i think...since i cant shout out loud all of a sudden as my housemates will freak out, nor can i shout out loud outside, as ppl will toss me to mental ward..

i might as well just shout here..

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAf-c-k-m-y-l-i-f-e-~

my blog is the emo type, i love writing emo posts as this is the only place i feel i can express my negativity because there is no obvious comment or the like tab like what the blue-fbook-thingy does..so if u dislike my post being emo all-the -time, or judging me for being an emo freak,
u might as well just fuck off then, as i didnt ask u to read this or follow me blog in the first place anyway ~~

Peace >.^v

=.=

Gosh...is it me being too stupid, or is it him having high expectations of me..=(

well of course i have high expectation for myself too..together with his, it doubles and hence..congrats for staying and double up, dear Stress..but i will eat u down..!

dear western blot, immunoblot or whatever blot u are!! please let me learn u well!

dear serological pipettes, multichannel micropipettes, and micropipettes tips, please suck and release wisely

argh...............................gosh i never felt so stupid before..my brain cells are dying..!!

Poor brain, from now on, i am just gonna stuff u with more journals and knowledge, please be strong yahh!

I am just nervous at every first time doings, i am not easily confused=(( but i couldnt be telling him that i am nervous which leads me to being confused..he will think i have such low EQ freak..and all these are just stupid excuses, but hell, its true. lol..

funny how something that can make u most relax, content, and happy can also make u stress and emo-ed at the same time..however, nothing is gonna stop me from conquering u!! bear that in mind mr/mrs T-h-e-s-i-s..

Rawr.

Br'(00)'D

*Feeling indifferent..

No motives in life..

Nothing that interests her in life..

Why is she feeling like there is suddenly nothing in life that she wanna pursue, no hopes, passion for nothing, her just feeling indifferent,,

Sometimes she just feels very tired, physically, mentally, emotionally..no one can understand that, and no one to share them with, even if shared, ignorant feedbacks like a-u-just-think-too-much or stay-positive will be given..(whats the point, no one will understand)

HAd a crazy bizarre thought, wants to be hospitalised..lying on the bed, with smell of antiseptics in the hospital environment, just being there without being acknowledged by doctors and nurse, no injection, no treatment, just wanna lie down there like a shell without a soul..Sometimes just wish she can faint or have a syncope all of a sudden, perhaps never wanting to wake up anymore, but how will it feels like after not being able to wake up anymore?~~

When will the world ends.*

~~~Perhaps one day..ONE DAY.. the NEW me shalt look back at this post, and laugh..laughing at how stupid i can be at 'that' moment i am writing this post..I shall laugh at how insensitive i am for not being able to discover the wonders of life i can discover earlier, and the need to brood over the contents of this post shalt not be needed anymore..one day but not today 1/12/2011 =)

I know i will~Someday~~~(i)(i)

ImperfecT FelicitY

HAVE you ever been caught up in a situation that is as similar as:

#1 You are at the top of a cliff, and there u met a huge bear..be it u face the bear and got eaten by it, or u jump down the cliff only to face and be eaten by a sea of sharks. Whatever decision u made, u will face death either way..So what will you choose?

#2 Ur body had an organ failure..leaving it in ur body will only deteriorate ur health, but removing it from ur body, ur body cant live any longer as well..and even if ur organ is replaced with an artificial one, ...it will never ever be the same, will it?..Will you choose to keep it or remove it? when either way hurts you the same way...

#3 I once saw an acquantaince's status saying that a bird and a fish were in love, but how do they be able to live together? Or perhaps a tiger who is in love with a deer? well, Dont u dare say i think too much, cause these things do happen!

All in all, either way, whatever way! u chose, u end up hurting urself in the end..Have YOU been in this kind of situation?~~~


Life is like seeking reality in ones dream,

hoping the reality in the dream will never fade away...

trying to realize a dream in ones realm of reality,

only to find oneself back in a dream

~I have died everyday

Waiting for you~

~Darling, don't be afraid,

I have loved you for a thousand years,

I will love you for a thousand more~

~<>~

She said..

God gave me a chance, and i didn't use it well.

How sad can it be~
How hurt more can it be~


~~No matter how hard u've tried, there's nothing but holes inside~~

Shall i just stand under the rain, and let the raindrops wash away my dread,
or shall i just stand against the wind, to let all my regrets be blown away,

Shall i just sink deep down the sea, to let the waves flush away my misery,

or shall i just stand under the hot sun, to let the blazing rays melt away my worries~

TITLE

Sometimes ,the things that u want most in your life at the moment...

YOU..JUST ..CANT...GET..IT...!
fuck!

however...as frustrated as i might be..and after 22 years(kononnya act wise) of living through big and small waves, it suddenly struck me like a lightning that,

mm, why not think of the POSITIVE saiiddeee~~(i am not trying to be those that normally pretend-to-be-optimistic-but-deep-down-in-their-heart-they-r-fuckin-not-they-r-still-full-of-grudges type of being) but its TRUE!

TRY to think this way, and i find it awesomely working

maybe GOD doesnt want u to have what u want to have now, because God has reserved something BETTER for you, as long as u r patient enough to strive for it=)

so this PATIENCE IS GOLDEN phrase is not lame n boring for nothing huh? LOLMAO

Good Night peeps=) if there's any , muaha muaha!

pERFECTO nigtmarO

IT always seems as if it just happened yesterday,
It always seems real when it was just a dream,
It always seems eternal when it knows it will end,

The heart wants to say hello to goodbye, yet the mind doesnt want to say farewell to goodbye,

Or is it the mind that wants to say farewell to goodbye, but the heart doesnt want to say hello to goodbye.

Keep telling myself that its not worth it,

i already know i dont deserve it,

But if its from you, i dont mind hurting,

This is a perfect nightmare,

So when will i wake up and scream, NO WAY~

She says..

Summer after high school when we first met
We make out in your Mustang to Radiohead
And on my 18th Birthday
We got matching tattoos

Used to steal your parents' liquor
And climb to the roof
Talk about our future
Like we had a clue
Never planned that one day
I'd be losing you

In another life
I would be your girl
We keep all our promises
Be us against the world

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away

I was June and you were my Johnny Cash
Never one without the other we made a pact
Sometimes when I miss you
I put those records on

Someone said you had your tattoo removed
Saw you downtown singing the Blues
It's time to face the music
I'm no longer your muse

But in another life
I would be your girl
We keep all our promises
Be us against the world

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away
The o-o-o-o-o-one [x3]
The one that got away


All this money can't buy me a time machine (Nooooo)
Can't replace you with a million rings (Nooooo)
I shoulda told you what you meant to me (Woooooow)
'Cause now I pay the price

In another life
I would be your girl
We keep all our promises
Be us against the world

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away

<3

Lost for words

i usually have a lot in mind..
have a lot to say..

have a lot to share..

but when i started typing, i started to feel lost for words..

do you feel the same as me? =)

New chapter of life

NO matter how strong u are, i will be twice as stronger than you

when my mind is overflowing with thoughts just now, its just so funny that my mind is blank now..

my biggest enemy is not u, not anyone..but myself..
i wanna apologize for that has caused suffering for those who love me and loveD me before..

Sometimes i am heartbroken in a way that i have never experienced before, sometimes i am relieve in a way that i wonder should i feel that way..
but i am sure that this is the best solution as i too do not want to waste your time any longer and thanks to u that even though i have lost a great chunk of my heart, but i have indeed gained freedom..(same to u)

Sad to say, it is as though a great big black stone that had been subsided in my heart throughout this one year had finally been lifted from my heart..

Can feelings of one year be gone in just one week? or perhaps five days? well..i truly do not think so..however time will heal everything..God will enable time to reinstore the feelings thats meant to be felt by our heart and also vanish feelings that shud not be felt by our heart anymore..so just let time do its work..

To say that everything has returned back to its original blank piece of white paper, its impossible for me.it takes time.i might be happy that all the dread we have been through is over..i am sure u are twice more free mentally and emotionaly and i am happy for u for that .. but sometimes, i will feel sad and cry like nobody's business (haha forget my ego, i admit i did) but maybe thats not because i still want everything to be back as normal or i regretted the decision and all the dreadful stuff we have been through, no its not like that..ITS because i am once in a while still haunted by our happy memories throughout that one year..we have been through many things ..happy nor sad..THANK YOU SO MUCH for giving me all these happy memories all this while..we both agreed that what we have been through is as though we have been through it for MORE than just a year..haha

i just wanna let u know that i never regretted the time i have spent with u, u have done ur best and done it very well indeed..and i also wanted to apologize deeply for the pain i have caused u..i am so sorry..however evrything is over now =)

I bet u have heard of the saying "sometimes certain stuff are better left unknown" ..hence sometimes i wonder , if i have not been told by U bout that thing..maybe things might have run more smoothly for us eh? haha but however, i truly truly appreciate ur honesty and i know its because u loved (used to, Lol) me only did u not hide anything from me..THANK you so much for that, but i am very sorry..truly sorry that things end up not the way we wanted it..in the end i still ended up not being able to accept it..i am so sorry ..=(

During the time we were together, perhaps ur friends might have thought of us for being "unmixable' but to me, i think that they just don know yet the pain we have been through that time and i just wanna say sorry for that misunderstanding..after this thing is over i truly pray that ur friends will be there for u back and thank god, u r back for them and they are back for u..
>>However when i see the comments of ur frens saying u r back and U saying u r back, it bothers me a bit..it makes me wonder whether have i ever stopped u from mixing with ur friends when we were together or have i ever LOCKED u up in a "cell" all this while that forbids u to connect with the outside world eh? LOL..well..NO!! but maybe i think too much again..haha

there is nothing much left to say or mingle about,..in the end i just wanna make a conclusion to our previous chapter of life by saying a big THANK YOU for what u have done for me, and a big SORRY for the pain we have been through..=)

and say CHEERS to our new chapter of life =)) take care ~~~

~The End~
~ but an ending is always the beginning of someting new ~ =)