look look who's here,

me writing a new post in my long deserted blog..
i have a thousand words swarming in my mind but i am lost for words to write it here,
funny how people might look happy from the outside, but sad and uncontented in the inside,
funny how turtle and tortoise is hard in the outside but soft in the inside,
funny how dog that don bark often, bites more,
well, thats life..

i am supposed to be racing with time to complete my reading on Immunology notes in which i have a final exam next tuesday..
when i am trying my effin best to concentrate and memorise the tumour immunity and effector mechanism, other stuff kept intercepting my mind, it must be my amydala..
in case u wonder wats amygdala, well thats a part of ur brain which instills u to think of negative stuff..

i cant stop thinking bout it! and i have no one to share with..maybe i have, but nowadays i find it hard to trust anyone...i thought of telling my babi gang, but i dunno how to start and i dunno who to tell first..AND IF i start telling this to people, i know this will haunt me forever.
i thought of telling my close uni frens ..but i realised that i never wanna let them know my problems..perhaps maybe i want dignity, or maybe i feel that there is no need for sharing my worriness or perhaps my problems..its not important after all.

maybe i am used to keeping it in my heart,
thiking that if i say it out,
i am exposed, or maybe i will be vulnerable
just like a body depriving of an immune system..

but sooner or later, if i keep on thinking of this non stop, i might die..
seriously,
committing suicide? perhaps not worth it la..plus its pain and a stupide act..but wat if i did?? Everything has a threshold anyway, if its over the threshold, ANYTHING could happen right..

worst comes to worst, i probably might just have a mental breakdown and live happily in Tanjung Rambutan..

>>aint it better?maybe? though surrounded by those pitiful mental peoples(those who might even turn up violent O.O) but maybe that will be the place where i can be free..FREE of these problems and suffering thoughts i have been having right now..maybe thats the third space i have been wanting..

EITHER way, anything that can free me of those thoughts, i am willing to do~
its nobody's fault..its my fault. to have such thoughts bothering me ALL..Most..of the time..some people reading this might prob thought "aiya this girl think too much again" but those who think lidat never understand that these thoughts are actually killing me and forbidding me from having the peaceful and happy life i wanted.
i mean who never wants a happy life?

BYE.